Author: nuval

what’s in a name, and in a similar vein.

life, Medicine, Ho!, Musings, school

At tonight’s FAST orientation, I did something I haven’t done in awhile: introduce myself as “Tony.”* It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment choice occurring while filling out a stick-on name badge; a question not normally asked but nonetheless answered, in the blink of an eye; an action ostensibly with no consequence, though, in retrospect, laden with symbolism. It was a small gesture that signifies, I think, by its nature, a new beginning; the anticipation of not just a new decade but a new path in life; and at the same time, harking back to a distant former existence, a return to what was.

Oh, and the orientation was rather inspiring. I am now booked for something like 25 hours of training and at least as much of actual service–and wishing I had found this team sooner.

* * *

The name of a blog that Saralyn, a fellow Northwestern SCS pre-med survivor, is rebooting, “Med School Maybe,” reminds me that this whole becoming-a-doctor thing isn’t written in stone…being accepted to a med school somewhere isn’t guaranteed at all, and there is a ton of crap yet to be done just to get my application ready. Hell, when was the last time I actually applied for anything? Must have been my job interview…six years ago. It’s vaguely reminiscent of the panic and worry over college apps. With grad school apps, or even the job interview with GE, there was less of a concern since I had fallback plans, so you’d think that should be the case here, but I’m really waiting for the other shoe to drop. Med school admissions committees: I should think that going through the hell of applying to med school when I’ve got a reasonably secure** job that allows me to contribute something to society shows some level of commitment.

* Ever since I graduated from high school, I would always first introduce myself as “Anthony,” answering “either is fine” if then asked if I preferred “Anthony” or “Tony.” During high school, though, it was pretty much “Tony.” And if I met someone through a high school friend, or if someone were associated with my high school, I would introduce myself as “Tony.” Come to think of it, it might have been a mixed bag during college.

** No doubt that, by stating that, I’ve now jinxed it.

it wasn’t always love.

Memory Lane

[As I troll through my digital archives, piecing together memories of Scott for a brain that often fails to remember the more mundane details of life (it’s those details that I think not only help provide context to what actually does matter, but also trigger memories that might be otherwise buried unreachable in my subconscious), I find things that I think are worth remembering. I hope no one minds me sharing them.]

If you asked me nowadays, I would tell you that, despite the tragedy of a certain day, I wouldn’t trade my college years in New York for anything. If nothing else, they clarified my love of the city (a term which, by the way, can only refer to one place) and left me with many fond memories–of people, places, and things, and a siren-like call to return.

Continue reading “it wasn’t always love.” →

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life

The hardest thing he has ever done, Mike Rudzinski told me recently, was composing his remembrance of Scott.

I don’t doubt it.* I still am not able to put together anything quite as coherent or organized as the many writings some of Scott’s many friends have posted; and I don’t know if I ever will, really. The best I could muster to write on Scott’s Facebook wall was a simple two-word goodbye, meant simply to mark his passing and nothing more.

This post, too, is merely a placeholder, reserving a place for my remembrance of Scott that will, sometime, come. It is fitting–some might say a moral imperative–to commemorate Scott’s life by sharing with everyone what he has meant to us. I will do my part, but as I lack the ability to thread a cohesive narrative here, it will be in fragments…and only after I’ve had a chance to rest.

* though emceeing Psaturday’s Pseudo may have topped it…I don’t know.

uncanny

life

This past Monday, the night Scott passed, we packed up everything in his room to be brought home with his mom. (Oddly enough, we had earlier in the day already started packing away the nonessentials, anticipating that he would be soon transferred to palliative care.) When I picked up my coat to depart, I noticed my iPod nano was not where I had left it, which was in my inner coat pocket. Since my earphones had fallen out earlier, I presumed my iPod fell out of the pocket as well and hunted around the room for it, with no success. Thinking that it might have made its way into one of the packed bags, Gail said she would keep an eye out for it when she unpacked.

Now, that particular pocket actually has a hole towards the top, into which things could fall into the inner shell of the coat. I had patted down the coat and didn’t feel any foreign objects. Nor was the iPod to be found at home (on the off chance that I didn’t actually bring it with me). Ready to write it off as a loss–after all, it’s just a thing and things can be replaced, the thought occurred to me that Scott might have… “borrowed” it for some music on the long walk that he had embarked upon. If he wanted it, he could have just asked me–and I would have made sure there was music on there that he’d actually like.

As we left the Fireside Grill tonight for a post-Pseudo meal, I reached into my pockets to pull out my gloves and felt something weird inside the coat. Feeling around, it was rectangular and very solid. After first thinking “what the hell is this?,” it came to me: it was my iPod. Immediately, I stuck my hand down that hole in the coat– and presto, the missing iPod. I yelled over to Mike R., who was familiar with the tale of the iPod-gone-missing: “Dude, do you know what I just found?” “NO WAY. Scott returned it to you!”

After sharing with Michael P. the joyous story of the reunion of a man and his gadget, we ultimately decided that Scott probably found the music on my iPod unacceptable.

me and scotty mcgee, pt. 1.

Memory Lane

If memory serves, this is the first communication I ever sent Scott outside of the notesfiles.

Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998 20:46:07 -0500 (CDT)
From: [ME]
X-Sender: [ME]
To: [SCOTT]
Subject: ISO advice/words of wisdom
Message-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.980720203638.8379F-100000@pepsi>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status:  O

Hi, Scott. We've never personally met except on notesfiles, but I wanted
to ask you if you'd be willing to give me your impressions on living in
New York, seeing as how I'll be moving out there in a month. I gathered
from your ph that you live out in Queens; what's it like? I haven't
explored much of New York beyond Manhattan below 57th and The Bronx,
around Fordham. I'm thinking of getting an apartment after my freshman
year, and I'm wondering where's a good place to look--Manhattan is most
likely out of my price range, even with a roommate.

I'm just trying to get a feel for the place before The Big Move. Any
comments/advice/etc. would be helpful. Oh, and if you're wondering, I'll
be located on Third Ave. and 9th, in the Village.

Thanks.

-anthony

on the eve of a new year

life, Medicine, Ho!

2009 is almost over, and I can’t help but wonder where it all went. Not only that, but a new decade (as measured by the tens digit) will soon begin. This new year bring a new calendar decade; but the year after it brings a new life decade (!!!!!!!!!!). Two different decades are almost over, and I can’t help but freak out.

I can’t help but wonder, after having made a few trips to the hospital to visit a dear friend, now that I’ve set a course for a new career, whether these last six+ years couldn’t have been better spent. I can’t help but wish I were already in school. At the same time, there are moments when I can’t help but question whether this new path is the right one. A homeless man, barely dressed enough to survive the cold, passed on the sidewalk without batting an eyelash (I’ve seen so many); ten minutes later, a true Good Samaritan comes to his aid, sending for help. Is that kind of indifference incompatible with the profession I hope to join?

For my friend, I can’t help but be thankful for the miracle of his existence; but, reminded of its fragility and of ours as well, I can’t help but remember the close friends I once had, the friendships I’ve since let fall by the wayside (sadly, his among them)–the friendships I now resolve to rekindle and to never take for granted.

And I can’t help but wonder if I’ve accomplished everything I should have by the time I turn 30. Well–as I’ve heard said, 30 is the new 20…maybe there’s some truth to that.

that sinking sensation

Medicine, Ho!, school

It was probably safe to say that after slogging through over a year of bio and chem, I had committed myself to seeing this whole “med school” thing through. There’s something about registering for the MCAT, though, that brings it home; almost like you knew there was no turning back even before this, but now there is no question. Not to mention that the specific task of “taking the MCAT” was such a nebulous concept that I could safely ignore it–but now that that confirmation email is in my grubby little paw, it is very real.

And a bit scary.

aaaaaand…we’re back.

job, life, Medicine, Ho!, Reflections, school

Now that I’ve had a bit of time to recover from this whirlwind school year, I have to say that it really feels like the year went by kind of quickly. If you were to have asked me how I felt during the school year, my answer would have been completely different–the year couldn’t have been over fast enough–but in retrospect there is a twinge of sadness accompanying the sense of accomplishment at having survived a year of classes (and organic chemistry in particular).

The problem is twofold, I think: now that classes are pretty much done (I may have to take a couple more classes, but I have the next two years in which to complete them), it’s back to the [more than] full-time grind at the job for me, replete with the reminders of why I’m doing this in the first place. The slow realization that I’ll be at the job for another couple of years is, sadly, rather soul-crushing; it has caused me to wonder on more than one occasion if I shouldn’t try to find something else to do during this time, such as do something more healthcare-related, something that will help to answer the question “do I know what I’m getting myself into?” (Which is, apparently, what med school admissions boards want to know.) Normally, I think that would be a fine plan, but given the state of the economy, it’s probably best if I remain at my job and try to complete my responsibilities as best I can.

The other thing that makes this ending somewhat bittersweet is that I didn’t take the time until later in the school year to start to get to know some of my classmates… and now that school’s out and it’s back to 40+ hour work weeks, I just won’t have the time to hang out with them all that often. (Not like I had free time during the school year–but scheduled class time kinda counts. Ahh… that brings back memories of all-day cramming sessions before organic chemistry exams…) Whether or not that actually ends up being true is well within my control, however.

Oh yeah, and there’s the MCAT. I should, uh, get right on that.

It’s not a total downer, though. It’s admittedly nice to be able to focus more of my time and attention on a single thing, rather than trying to juggle multiple things. People seemed to be rather surprised (and perhaps a bit amazed) when I explain that I’ve been working full-time hours and taking two classes; in retrospect, I’m amazed I pulled it off. (Of course, I know how I pulled it off… by shortchanging at least one area of responsibility, though I won’t say which one(s)…) Speaking of, last quarter saw an A- in bio and a B in chem. My requirements were to not get C’s or lower–so I think I can consider that requirement verified. (eeew, engineering-speak.)

The best part, though, is being able to spend non-working hours actually doing fun/relaxing things, hence actually having the time to futz around with my poor, neglected website, finally putting up that photoblog I’d been meaning to do for quite some time now and actually writing this stupidly long blog post. (I feel as if I need to make up for a few months of inactivity… and also, a brain dump in this manner is remarkably freeing.) Of course, whether or not I’m just typing into the ether is a different consideration entirely (but some of us prefer illusion to despair).

What’s next, then? Catching up on what feels like a year’s worth of backlogged work responsibilities (not to mention culling/editing 1800+ photos from Jessup week), working on the whole med school application process, and maybe actually trying to enjoy life. (‘Cause there probably won’t be any time to do that once I’m actually in med school.) Who’s with me?

study-ousness progris riport

Medicine, Ho!, Musings, school

Before the start of this quarter, I said to myself that I was going to be better about studying, especially for organic chemistry. As I waste time on the night before class, time that should be spent doing study problems from the chapter but instead I am spending pounding out this blog post…I can say that, so far, I’m failing miserably: I opened my chem textbook and, after skimming through some scintillating reading about the reactions of alcohols, I decided to do something else.

I can maybe claim some small amount of success, first having actually opened the textbook, and second not running towards the TV after abandoning hope of school-related progress. Maybe.

My working theory at the moment is that my apartment is not at all conducive to doing homework. Unfortunately, I don’t have any good solutions to this particular problem…